How to Give Your Kids a Great Childhood for the Price of a Terrible Childhood

This weekend my mom was in town and, after having read several of my posts for The Scratch, she announced that she wanted to submit one of her own. Here’s how the exchange went down: Me: It’s not as easy as it looks, mom. The post has to be both funny and budget-conscious. My Mom: […]

Can You Guess the Business Using Only the Crazy Yelp Reviews?

I’ve never left a Yelp review, but, like most of us, I turn to the site in my hour of need — specifically, when I don’t know where to eat. I love exploring Yelp, as it’s one of the only places that catalogs the average (and sometimes SUPER-DUPER WEIRD) American’s feelings about the restaurants and […]

To Save in the Air You Must Become the Worst

The person you become when jetting off into the sky is not you. It is Airport You, the kind who deems $27 hummus trays acceptable, and probably dresses like Tom Hanks in Big. You do not normally shell out for $33 Greek yogurts or $47 apples, but you’re trapped. You must resist this urge. You must, dear […]

Want to Feel Terrible About Yourself? Get a DEXA Scan

Not actually a DEXA scan.
Not actually a DEXA scan.

I have a writer’s body: soft, pale, and devoid of muscle tone. I’ve never done a proper pushup in my entire life. Hell, I couldn’t even use the monkey bars when I was a kid. (Did I consistently fail the Presidential Physical Fitness Test? What do you think, buddy.) In spite of the fact that, […]

How to Get the Cheapest Possible Dental Care

It turns out this is the least upsetting stock photo about dentists.
It turns out this is the least upsetting stock photo about dentists.

Teeth are disgusting. They’re these little chunks of calcified tissue, minerals, and whatever “dental pulp” is, hiding in our faces like ashamed, albino trolls. But, love ‘em or hate ‘em, people give you weird looks on the bus if you don’t have them. So, rather than doing the rational thing and gumming your way through […]

How to Get a Dirt-Cheap Cut from a Haircutting School

Call me a “lazy waste of lady body parts,” but I’ve never been able to wrap my head around why women spend so much on haircuts. The frugal dad in me is shaking his stern, football-loving head at the very idea of paying in the double-digits for something that lasts a little over a month. […]

Is Printing at Home Worth the Money?

Toner? I hardly know 'er!
Toner? I hardly know 'er!

At some point in your life, you’ve looked up from whatever you were doing and asked yourself, “Is this worth it?” Maybe you were halfway through a bowl of Olive Garden fettuccine alfredo, or decorating wall sconces for your sure-to-be-under-attended, Harry-Potter-themed birthday party. That’s how I feel about printers. It seems like everybody owns one, […]

[VIDEO] Self Tanner Showdown with Tamra Brown

Tanning the old-fashioned way looks great and all, but, sadly, cooking your body in solar radiation has its drawbacks. Thankfully, artificial tanning creams and sprays offer a safe alternative. But which will make you look bronzed and full of youthful vitality, and which will make you look like a sickly Oompa Loompa? Tamra Brown will […]

8 Cheap, Fun Home Science Experiments

"Even we aren't sure why we're doing this."
"Even we aren't sure why we're doing this."

Science is a lot like The Fonz or Joe Biden (who honestly might be one and the same). We satirize, we roll our eyes, we claim not to “get it,” but deep down we love ‘em because they’re cool. Science lets us melt, freeze, burn, and burst stuff, all in the name of learning. So […]

How I Got 3 Months of Free Fancy Workouts

No pain no veins protruding from your arms, chest, and face.
No pain no veins protruding from your arms, chest, and face.

I used to be like you. I hated the high-brow fitness world, and the Brittanys it came with. I wrote off fancy gyms in an instant, due to their high price: At Soul Cycle a single spin class costs $34; a monthly membership to Equinox (AKA the Hilton of gyms) averages $250/month. I resolved to […]

8 Absurd Things You Can Personalize

Not Cookie Cutter

Personalized mugs and t-shirts are old news, and the once ubiquitous “Your Name on a Grain of Rice!” booth seems to have vanished from our nation’s malls. I’d like to think impoverished children are wondering why their donated rice says Mallory Luvs Derrick and Buttz4Eva, but I digress. After scouring the internet, here are eight […]

I Ate Only Tube-Shaped Food at 7-Eleven for an Entire Day


7-Eleven is a staple of modern convenience, a cross-section of the average American city, and the world’s saddest restaurant. As a cigarette-smoking, soda-chugging, proud citizen of this country, I stop in at least three times a week. In my younger, drunker, broker days, I’d go at least once per day. It had probably been five […]

6 Amazing Artistic Residencies

Easter Dalmatain Puppy

It’s not easy being an artist. Your parents keep “accidentally” leaving MBA program pamphlets on the kitchen counter when they visit, you feel the need to explain away your love of Shia LaBeouf as ironic, and the bank won’t cash your velvet handmade check even though you’ve explained to them a dozen times that it’s […]

A Dirt Cheap Massage Made Me Feel Filthy Rich

Beautiful young woman relaxing with hand massage at beauty spa

I’ve never had a massage. If you’re a regular reader of this website, I’m sure this information comes as no surprise. Now, it’s not that I don’t need a massage; far from it. I definitely, consistently hold a lot of tension in my… bodily region. Said tension is, no doubt, more than partially due to […]

7 Crazy Scholarships


There are plenty of scholarships for people with, shall we say, eclectic interests. Maybe you’re into marionettes. Maybe you’re a member of the United States Bowling Congress (a pretty official name for an organization whose committee members have names like Lyle Zikes and Rhino Page). Maybe you’re studying parapsychology, but your ESP wasn’t quite strong […]

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