10 Items Men Cannot Be Trusted To Buy At The Grocery Store
The modern grocery store is a hive of commerce, a 24/7 Superstore selling everything imaginable with almost limitless selection across product categories. Need aluminum foil? Prepare to sort through a spectrum of options starting with the store brand and ending with a technological wonder that could serve as a heat shield for a spacecraft reentering Earth’s atmosphere. In short, the grocery store is the last place you should send the average American male, provided you actually want the items on his list.
Calling out gender differences certainly isn’t in vogue these days, and as a Dad and husband, I’m hesitant to criticize my own species. But this missive is a cry for help. Based on personal experience, I know no matter how hard I try, I cannot be trusted to accurately buy the items below, most likely due to an evolutionary quirk among my ancestors that makes me blind to the difference between tins of anchovies and sardines displayed in close proximity to each other.
By admitting defeat and articulating the shame I feel about being so massively distracted while food shopping, I’m hoping we can take the first step towards creating a different world for my son to grow up in. A world where he doesn’t have a panic attack standing in front of a towering shelf of pickle spears. Please have compassion for us. For we are just men.
1%? 2%? Skim? Almond? Goat? Organic? I’ve tried a number of brain games to remember if my kids drink 1% or 2%, but I think I’m going to have to settle for getting “1%” tattooed on my forearm.
I like to call the banana stand “50 Shades of Green.” Am I supposed to have some algorithm in my head that predicts the exact rate at which the bananas will ripen and my family will consume them? They can’t be edible when I buy them, but need to be the next morning…and I’m a total failure if any of the bunch develop a dark spot during their gestation period. WTF??
3. Anything in the produce section
Spinach was confusing enough what with it’s baby and adult versions, but now we have kale, arugala, chard and I’ve even heard of something called dandelion greens (they’re not found in the clippings you empty from your lawn mower if you’re wondering).
4. Anything in the frozen food aisle
The food companies are really messing with us here because every frozen food option is something a guy feels like he needs in his Man Cave freezer in case it becomes his family’s survival shelter in the coming nuclear war. Mac ‘n cheese casserole with hotdog shavings. Blocks of stuffed crust pizza. Biscuits ‘n gravy. Grits ‘n gravy.
Am I the only person who thinks so-called lotion-enhanced tissues will turn out to be a soggy mess? Remember, men are gullible enough to think that they can comb brown food coloring through a grey beard to improve their chances of picking up younger women.
Some oats are instant, some are steel cut, some are Irish, some are rolled, some are used for plaster or a facial scrub. All taste like plaster.
7. Anything marketed as “The Official (Fill in Food Item) of The (Fill in Sports Team)”
Men: a class of people who like to play pretend by “owning” professional athletes and counting up their statistics with other men on the Internet. A class of people who wear baseball jerseys with another man’s name on the back…as if you’re that guy and you actually play on a professional baseball team.
8. Anything displayed in the vicinity of check out
It’s not meat per se, but let’s call it “beef,” dump in a ton of spicy chemicals, make it tough as rawhide, and wrap it in plastic. And oh it has no nutritional value and probably causes cancer. When you’re done with that delicacy, you can settle your stomach with a cigar dipped in shitty perfume (otherwise known as a Swisher Sweet). Do you trust someone who willingly makes these kind of product selections?
It’s pretty simple. A man casually tossing a box of condoms onto the check-out belt pretty much warrants an SVU investigation.
10. Anything for sale in a big box store
Or maybe you want a pretzel drum the size of R2-D2 in your kitchen for the next few months?