Herding Cats: Electric Beer Pong, Automatic Nerf Guns and Digital Drug Addiction (The Kids Are NOT Alright)

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As of a few hours ago, I am the proud owner of a brand new Droid X. The screen is more absurdly large than you can possibly imagine. Let’s get through this quickly, I have dozens of apps to install! Consumerist: Start Your Child’s Beer Pong Training Early – I don’t know what I love more, the fact that Cuponk introduces underage kids to the highly-competitive hallmark of collegiate party athletics, or that they dug Bam Margera out of obscurity to be their spokesdude. So what’s next for Hasbro–a kids’ version of Landmines? Thumper with fruit punch and root beer? It’s a slippery and delicious slope down to adolescent alcoholism.

Gizmodo: So This Is What Nerf Guns Are Like Now, Huh? – Speaking of poor ways to introduce your child to facets of adult life, automatic weapons are probably something you should hold off on until they’re a little older. Back in my day, it was a big deal when they added suction cup technology to our pathetic one-shot Nerf bullets, but these spoiled kids nowadays get to live out their violent fantasies by emptying banana clips of foam missiles from a pretend machine gun.

Wired: Report: Teens Using Digital Drugs To Get High – Impressionable parents will believe absolutely anything about a disturbing new “drug” their kid’s school administration freaks out over and warns them about. Case in point: the fact that these poor fools in Oklahoma actually think their kids are “i-dosing”, which means getting high from listening to digital music files. We all know that cheesing is a dire threat to the welfare of our nation’s youth, but i-dosing probably falls into the same category as the debunked “rainbow party” scare several years back (WARNING: Googling “rainbow party” will produce VERY NSFW results).

MainStreet: Behold: The Footlong Burger – This article touches on a phenomenon occurring in the fast food industry these days–let us call it, “The Tasty Schism” (not to be confused with the Great Schism, concerning the separation of Christianity into the Roman Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Church in 1054). On one hand you’ve got fast food places striving to pack their menus with pseudo-healthy fare, and on the other you’ve got mega-calorie monstrosities like the KFC Double Down and Friendly Grilled Cheese Burger Melt. You can’t help but admire these ironic caricatures of unhealthy American food, and I, for one, welcome our new footlong burger overlords.

WalletPop: Steinbrenner’s Final Win — Over Estate Taxes – I’m not about to lament the death of the man responsible for the ruination of my dreams as a young baseball fan (the Yankees eliminated one of my favorite teams from the playoffs five out of seven years between 1998 and 2004), but I’ll admit that it takes guts to empty your own pockets over and over in search of another World Series trophy. The Yankees totally lucked out on the timing of this particular myocardial infarction, because it saved the Steinbrenner estate $632 million in avoided estate tax. It’s kind of like if Halliburton uncovered a giant unobtainium deposit in the middle of one of their giant oil fields.

Okay, we’re done. Get out of here. I need several hours of uninterrupted alone time with my Droid X. One more thing though:  Check out our WOWee ONE blog contest sometime in the next six days if you want a chance to win the dankest portable speaker out there!

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