Herding Cats: The Candwich, the Secret to In-N-Out Burgers and a Barbecued iPhone 4

The short week threw me off from the beginning. I'm still convinced this is really Thursday, but the rest of the company doesn't agree--so here is your weekly Friday financial stuffs roundup.

Wowowow: Wake Up And Smell The Recession - God only knows why the New York Times chose to profile this spoiled entitlement case as the face of down-on-their-luck recession college grads. Really, Scott Nicholson from suburban Massachusetts? You turned down $40K a year at an insurance company because it's "dead-end work"? Majoring in Poli-Sci at Colgate and cracking a 3.3 GPA one semester to make the Dean's List doesn't quite qualify you for a corner office in a Boston skyscraper. Not only are you narcissistic and delusional, but you're a perfect example of why our grandparents' generation, the toughest guts-and-glory S.O.Bs in American history, rightly thinks we're a bunch of pansies (I can't call you what P-word you really are, Scott, because this is a family-friendly blog). Have fun drinking your own Kool-Aid and holding out for that $75K corporate post!

Gizmodo: Candwich Scandal Eats Millions - If you watched Colbert at all this week, you already know about the new rallying cry sweeping the nation: YES WE CANDWICH! Too busy to spend the 30 seconds it takes to make a fresh PB&J before school or work? Wish you could just pop open an aluminum can and deliver a savory preservative-enriched sandwich straight to your food-hole on-the-go? Then the Candwich would have been the MVP of your pantry...if its creator hadn't fraudulently stolen $145 million from real-estate investors to develop it. But hey, there's always the canned cheeseburger! And yes, that's this week's featured Lolcat investigating one of these Swiss delicacies. Wow. BRB--I have to go throw up...

Consumerist: Secret Of The In-N-Out Burger Revealed? - On the polar opposite end of the cheeseburger deliciousness spectrum we have the fabled Double-Double, available only to inhabitants of California, Arizona, and Nevada--and now apparently Utah and Texas as well. Some fancy big city chef from the Least Coast thinks he knows the secret to why it's the best fast food burger on the planet. Well, he's wrong. Want to know the real reason In-N-Out burger is so amazing? Because every bite is filled with Jesus' love. It's science.

WalletPop: Walmart Offering College Credit, Tuition Assistance To Workers - I could be a poor sport and just riddle this paragraph with ridiculous links to People of Walmart, but I'm gonna take the high road. I actually think it's a swell move to offer their hundreds of thousands of underpaid workers a way to advance their education and fight their way above the poverty line. Just a quick tip for Corporate though: make sure to order all your textbooks from Texas. We sure don't want anybody accidentally learning about the evils of unionization or employment benefits!

MainStreet: iPhone 4 Catches Fire (Literally) - Apple's new cellular telephone is hot, hot, hot! I'm really loving how every day brings another reason why my decision to not switch to AT&T for the iPhone 4 was the right one. I'm pretty jealous that my future Droid X won't be mobile-Chatroulette-capable, but I think I'll manage without it. Don't think I'm an Apple hater though: my original Video iPod that I got for Christmas in 2005 is still fully-functional, and for that I will always be grateful to Herr Jobs.

CNN: Cavs Owner's Letter Mocked For Comic Sans Font - Like tens of millions of you across the country, I was part of the problem last night at 6pm PDT--and I hate myself for it. Watching "The Decision" on ESPN felt dirty. It felt wrong. It felt like I was a passive party to the clubbing of a baby seal. Former Deadspin chief Will Leitch has an excellent, albeit rather emo, take on the whole LeBron ordeal. One awesome outcome, though, was the epic breakup letter penned by Dan Gilbert, betrayed majority owner of Lebron's old team, and published to the internets in COMIC FREAKING SANS, a font choice almost as ridiculous as writing a ransom note in Curlz MT.

Here's hoping that the good people of Cleveland have a safe and positive weekend, mostly so that we can take all 2.3 million of them in the Metro area off suicide watch (it's really expensive). Cheer up, Rust Belters--you've still got the Indians and the Browns! Oh--right...sorry!  Well, count your blessings anyway, because your week definitely could have been worse.