Other fun things you can do with those ridiculously long CVS receipts
CVS, or Heaven's Commissary as I like to think of it, has made headlines recently as the first national pharmacy to cease cigarette sales at all locations. It's a pretty brave move, plus it makes it look like maybe Walgreens and Rite-Aid support lung cancer, which is a plus for the CVS brand. Personally, I support this move from CVS. Smoking cigarettes is like wearing a fedora: you only think it looks cool because of the black and white photographs. But you don't live in a black and white photograph and you just look like a loser when you do it.
The other thing CVS has been known for recently, and you may know this if you've shopped there at all, is that if you swipe your Extra Care card at checkout, you're subject to receiving an extraneously long receipt with multiple coupons on it. It's great for deals, but these coupons actually have many uses that you may find helpful.
Here are just a few:
1. Wrap yourself from head to toe in CVS receipts and become a CVS brand mummy and scare all your friends with your spooky savings.
2. The back of a CVS receipt is a great place for a journal, or maybe a manifesto. Keep a list of all your favorite CVS memories, organized by season. What's your favorite Winter CVS memory?
3. Roll your CVS receipt into a big cigarette and smoke it like it's going out of style, because it literally is.
4. Wear it as a sash and call yourself Ms. Savings, the beauty queen of your local pharmacy.
5. Dedicate your life to the martial arts. Open your own dojo in the back of a CVS. Use one of the receipts as the belt of highest honor.
6. Tie your CVS receipt to a stick and now it's a CVS flag that you can leave in the aisle of a local Walgreen's, to keep them a little off-balance. That is a pun about their Balance Rewards Club.
7. Use the CVS receipt to measure your child's growth. If people ask, say little Hunter is getting to be about 3 1/2 CVS receipts tall now!
8. Cut them into small receipts and then laugh at how they don't seem to compare to those longer CVS receipts, and in fact they look quite pathetic, don't they?
9. Use your CVS receipt as a scarf to keep your neck warm and your conscience warm with the confidence that it maximized all the savings it could!
10. Transcribe the Declaration of Independence, but of your independence from bad deals.
11. Write your memoirs of all the deals you saved on with your CVS receipts!
12. Get great deals! Redeem your receipt for great deals!
See, now no longer will you need to consider the CVS receipts "wasteful" or "ecologically irresponsible" or "absurd" – you can view them as the bubble wrap for your everyday life, capable of giving you more uses and pleasure than you ever imagined! Happy CVSing!
Grant Pardee is a comedian originally from Ohio living in Los Angeles. He has performed at Bridgetown and SF Sketchfest, the Improv, Upright Citizens Brigade, and many other places, too. He contributes articles to VICE, and in 2013 the webseries he created, wrote and produced "Happy Place" was a finalist for the Comedy Central Short Pilot Competition at the New York Television Festival. Follow him on twitter @grantpa