The Couch Potato Personality Profile

^{Couch Potato Image from My Cat Hates You}

On the last day of my vacation, I could have found a resort pool somewhere in L.A., ordered up frothy drinks with tiny umbrellas and talked on my cell phone behind large sunglasses. Sip, sip. Or, I could have done something smarty-pants and cultural, like visit a museum. Or, I could have gone back to nature and hiked one of our fine SoCal trails along the beach or--even gone totally rogue-efficient and reorganized my closets!

Instead, I chose to simply "couch it." Oh, glory day, dahhhhlings! I spent hours on the couch, watching my favorite comedy, "The Big Lebowski," eating sunflower seeds, re-bonding with the dog and vaguely considering one load of laundry, until an unexpected nap snuck up on me. I awoke refreshed and guilt-free, my idea/to-do list out of sight and out of mind.

The way someone "couches it" says a lot about them. I believe if you want to know what someone is like on the inside, take a look at what they surround themselves with. I have never put this test under the scrutiny of a professional, but I have a feeling décor and personality matches are as good as any psychology test in existence.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the Couch Personality Profile (something tells me I should copyright this):

1. Dorm Room Dan: Dorm Room Dan could care less what his couch actually looks like; he needs it to be multi-functional, stain resistant and easy to move up and down stairs. Dorm Room Dan is very social, great at parties, likes his beer, dates multiple people at the same time and underneath it all, is quite intelligent. He doesn't have time for matching colors or styles, but he does like to look around a room, nod his head in appreciation and say, "Cool." Cool is accomplished by two throw pillows that match something in the room, along with a gigantic television screen.


2. Hand-Me-Down Hannah: Hand-Me-Down Hannah has a few self-esteem issues and has convinced herself that she is not capable of purchasing brand new furniture on her own. She deems that this may be possible by the age of say, 40. Until then, Hannah will accept all décor gifts from relatives and ex-boyfriends that left behind items during mid-escape. Hannah is also great at finding treasures at Goodwill, but she can't accept items that are in too good of shape. Hannah relates to the underdogs of couches. Hannah's ideal couch is something comfy that she can settle into, but as she worries about fleas and other minutia that might be lingering on the hand-me-down couch, Hannah is a certified expert on couch covers.


3. Modern Max: Modern Max likes his couch white and pristine with accompanying shiny chrome whereby he can catch parts of his reflection. Modern Max is a classic narcissist. If Max throws in a snazzy, white shag carpet under his chrome table, then he is a festive, lovable narcissist and can be well-behaved at elitist parties full of pseudo intellectuals who quote excerpts from dead poets. Don't take Modern Max to family reunions or anyplace serving tater tots or cheesy casseroles.


4. Family Fun Frank n' Frannie: Frank n' Frannie require a no-nonsense, child-friendly couch that can withstand years of wear and tear and still clean up nice for neighborhood parties. They're not sure how far and wide their family will grow, so sectionals are their best bet with a heavy tweed fabric, coated with stain-resistant promises. This couch must be wide enough to sleep relatives and punished spouses who've been kicked out of the bedroom for a night or two. In twenty years, Frank n' Frannie will either donate said couch to the family cabin, or to Goodwill, where Hannah will pick it up.


5. Savvy, Single Sara: Savvy Sara enjoys good style, but doesn't like to appear stuffy. She's a little on the OCD side, and if left alone too long, will re-organize stranger's closets. She is a smart buyer and takes her time making decisions. Unfortunately, some of those decisions take a little too long, and the sale is long gone. Savvy Sara matches her possessions perfectly and at times suffers from eye twitches. She can spot a matching lamp in any store, bring it home and marry it to a family of strays with no problem. Sara spends a little too much time on her décor, but she doesn't really care. People that don't treat their homes like a castle are strange creatures to her. Sara needs to get out more.


6. Diva Designer: Diva Designer is tough to be around, but the style makes up for the personality flaws. This expert knows how to mix n' match and mingle with the best of them. When you sit on Diva's couch, you know you're sitting on tradition and flair. You just entered the hot zone of décor and you'd better come armed with compliments, because Divas need attention. Diva will not settle for anything less than a custom made couch with custom made fabric made of custom made dreams. Pass the martini.


7. Bachelor Pad Ben: Bachelor Pad Ben does just fine with a leather couch. No questions asked. No fuss, no muss. Blankets are for weaklings, but if you need one, there's something hairy in the linen closet. He likes things neat. He stacks his magazines in symmetric order, by date on a simple, wooden coffee table- because it just makes good sense. He eats steak and potatoes. He likes to grill, but would never wear an apron or hat, even for a funny picture. He grew up in a plain state, or the mountains. He's a survivor. He knows how to hunt and fish and how to "skin" things. Sit down on the leather couch, wait for your steak, and don't talk about your feelings, ever.

Interestingly enough, The Dude from The Big Lebowski defies all of these profiles. Because he's The Dude, I suppose. He was much more concerned about the rug, which "tied the room together, man." As you might of guessed, the author is a wild-mut mix of them all.

What is your "Couch-It" Style?