What Would Darth Vader Buy at Walmart?

^{Image by Justin Sewell (Raiders of the Lost Art) [CC-BY-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons}

Darth Vader is a master of the dark side of the Force. Considered the Emperor's most trusted servant. He is more machine than humankind. Wait! That means he is still a man, even if only parts of him are. So where would Vader go to buy things for his human-side wants and needs? Walmart Superstore!

You may disagree that Vader would ever pay for an item. Have you seen the locals who shop at Walmart? If the dark Lord tried to leave the store with freebies, he could cause a riot. To adhere to the local mentality of mortals he would send a Storm Trooper to purchase a few items.

1. Vizio 55" 3-D LED-LCD 1080p. The genetic makeup of every male's primary shopping want/need is to own a very large screen television. Darth likes to plan for any possible situation. This television provides it all: 3-D, LED, LCD, HD and internet connectivity. It is also ultra slim for any space issues in his quarters. It is safe to assume Darth watches the Weather Channel before he sends his troops out for an attack.


2. Sony PlayStation Portable. Darth may become bored when he sits for hours in his inner chamber. To pass the time it is plausible to imagine he might enjoy video games. Handheld is best. No one has to know.


3. Febreze. Speaking of the inner chamber...constructed with a ventilation system, yes. However, after a while the air might get a bit stale. Vader may put the Spring & Renewal scent on his list.


4. Windex. Darth Vader wears a bright shiny helmet. How do you think he keeps it so polished?


5. Fruit of the Loom Boxer Briefs. It is not likely that the Dark Lord would run around commando. Half-boxers, half-briefs and in black is the only way to go.


6. Fresh Fruit. Speaking of fruit…any warrior would consider his nutrition. Fruits provide Vitamin C that Darth's human-side needs. It is plausible to speculate he would drink fruit smoothies.


7. Scope Outlast Long Lasting Mint Mouthwash. It is not a secret Darth has difficulty breathing. Have you considered his breath through the mask? Darth may be evil but he would take care of his hygiene.


8. Johnson's Baby Powder. Have you seen Darth Vader's black leather pants, vest, cape and mask? Sweat and chafing might be involved. A little baby powder would take care of any itching.


9. Bushnell Backtrack GPS Tracking Locator with Compass. How do you get around in a Death Star and not get lost? Darth would never ask for directions. With this sweet little mini-GPS, he can store three very important locations: his chamber, the command center and a restroom in between the two.


10. Ex-Lax Stimulant Maximum Strength Laxative. The Emperors places unrealistic demands on Vader. This could take a toll on Darth's human-side. After a long day of impossible demands, Darth could possibly snap at the Emperor and say: "You constipate me." (heavy breath, heavy breath)

What do you think Darth Vader would buy at Walmart?

Charli "Chuck" Gulley is a screenwriter, filmmaker and freelance writer who lives in Southern California. Quite the tomboy, she enjoys Rugby, Fencing and touch football. She's an alumnus of the prestigious screenwriter's workshop, "Writers Bootcamp." Her passion is Hollywood, anything and everything to do with filmmaking. If you don't find her on set, you can find her at the arcade playing air hockey and eating pizza.