Yard Sale Treasure Hunting

Chances are, right at this very moment, a determined deep sea diver is scouring the ocean floor in search of sunken treasure. Another ambitious adventurer is panning for gold in California- perhaps carrying on a legacy that began in the late 1800's. And still another sits atop a stool in a smoke-filled casino, convinced that mind melding with a slot machine is actually possible, and that the animated bank vault will open on command…just one more quarter!

The fact is, we flawed and gorgeous humans are always in search of treasure in one form or another. Whether indulged or repressed, the yearning for something hidden, something secret, something shiny and bright- seemingly just beyond our grasp, keeps us reaching, keeps us moving.

To further prove this point, may I present to you: The Yard Sale and the Relentless Soldiers of Fortune!

The Yard Sale is no ordinary shopping escapade, my friends. No. It is treasure hunting in raw form. Lean in closer, and keep this on the down low: Yard Sales have covert, undercover agents that rival any military special ops group. To the untrained eye, they might look like an unassuming, harmless neighbor wandering around the hood, but I must warn you: if you want to find your own treasure at one of these yard sales, you're going to need to prepare! Going in cocky-lazy could get you and your deal killed. You're going to need to set the alarm, be on full alert and know how to spot this special brand of shopper in any crowded garage, lawn or cul-de-sac multi-family sale across America. This elite, underground society is called The Relentless Soldier of Fortune.

Relentless Soldiers of Fortune are usually severely disheveled; their shoes may or may not match, fresh breath and deodorant are very uncommon and are considered petty time wasters. They are on task by dawn and most travel in vans, SUVs and pick-ups. Some travel in undercover cars, but do not be misled. Though they travel in cars, which cannot carry the larger treasures, they are actually part of a convoy. This convoy can be seen at a Denny's or IHop by approximately 9am. Do not approach and avoid eye contact.

Relentless Soldiers of Fortune are searching for jewelry, "funny" crocheted hats made out of real dollar bills that sell for fifty cents (I'm serious), high-end electronics, rare books, collector's china, silverware, vintage designer clothes and handbags that often carry enough loose change to pay for little Timmy's college tuition. Larger finds include seasonal items they can re-sell quickly with a little handy work and elbow grease: Name brand grills, lawn mowers and tools.

But take heart, Soldiers of Décor, for your day also starts at the crack of dawn and now you are armed with Intel worth its weight in melted down gold. While the RSFs are rummaging through endless crap, you can get in and get out, treasure intact, using these simple tactics: First, place yourself smack dab in front of the junk jewelry and say loudly, "Wow, there's some great stuff here! Is this real?" This will draw your enemy into the game that you now control. Once the RSPs are circling the crap jewelry, you can make your way through the entire sale making off with trinkets to keep or sell and, of course, some great décor items!

Next, survey the entire sale. Are you there to decorate your cool pad, find things to re-sell or both? Do a quick scan. Use your superman ex-ray vision and see that wobbly table for what it is: scrap wood or a ten-minute fix-it project, not including paint. Remember: no gasping, no squealing! You are stealth, you are fierce, you are a deal-maker. What else? A brass bed frame? Looks skanky and unstable, tarnished? Perfect! Later, you will take that orphan home, wipe it down with some tarnish solution and smile as everyone in your family of furniture adjusts to the new addition.

Moving on…Aha! Silverware box…with the original silver inside? Perhaps it's a family heirloom. Oops, the new wife didn't know…she wondered why anyone would serve dinner with "dirty" silverware. Warning: squeal alert! Do not succumb! RSF is closing in at alarming speed. Use fluid pelvis pivot to place yourself there first. Do not run! This alerts all RSFs in the area and you will be outnumbered in seconds. You will be lucky to leave with an unraveling wicker basket. Place your manicured hand on the box and pick it up. Leave the immediate area to survey contents. Understand that RSFs have sometimes been out in the field too long and will get aggressive. In those instances say, "I know who you are." This random, yet vague identity recognition will cause the RSF to retreat to their van, seemingly perplexed. Do not lose focus. Make your deal, proceed to car.

Once in the car, feel free to pet your treasure. Feel the primal pride that comes from hunting and finding said treasure. Know that what has just happened aligns you with your ancestors--all those adventurers, explorers and scholars across time.

Interestingly enough, it also connects you to that treasure seeker on the casino stool. Happy hunting! Tell us about your treasure adventures!