Last week, I checked in with some of my top merch bros, Target, Walmart, and Amazon — pretty much your standard dream team of online sellers — to identify the most expensive items they sell that I could buy. The results weren’t completely satisfying to me.
You see, ever since infancy, my only desire in life has been to accumulate a vast amount of wealth and then spend it recklessly online. I would be enjoying my toddler years by running around on wobbly legs when my parents would ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” And I would tell them, “the means for me are irrelevant. I want money, mother, I want obscene money and it doesn’t much matter to me how I get it.” Naturally, this alarmed my parents and in fact most people within earshot, but everyone assumed it was just a phase I would grow out of.
In my teenage years, career counselors would ask me, “But say you one day acquire this mass amount of money – what, then? What would you buy?” And I would look them in the eye and say as slowly as possible, “Everything.” Then I would quickly follow it up with, “That is available for purchase online, provided reasonable shipping costs and quick delivery, A+++++ service, would buy from again.” Those were my desires and they haven’t changed since.
Of course, I don’t have the necessary funds, per se, to buy it quite yet at this exact moment in time, and what is time anyway but a collective dream we all share? I’m confident that a steady amount of blogging for reputable sites such as this one will one day yield the resources necessary to be able to buy such items.
It is with that in mind that I present to you a list of a few of my ideal purchases from eBay that I will buy once the blog cash cow starts dropping milk buckets of money all over my desire farm.
- A festive red and green snapback ball cap featuring the smiling face of Santa Claus on the front and the word SANTA emblazoned on the back. I will pay no less than $9,999 and 99 cents for this item. I am promised that there are only 6 of these in existence and that these were made for Santa himself. This tells me this item is of tremendous value and I will have it!
- The domain name HireBrokers.com for $50,000. That may seem like an awful lot of money for a domain name as seemingly limited as HireBrokers.com, but only to fools. People hire brokers all the time from sites not named HireBrokers.com, so why should you be missing out on all this lucrative web traffic? I consider this to be something of an investment for my future. That is why I must have the domain name HireBrokers.com, and now that I think of it, $50,000 is a steal. If only it came with that delightful and friendly stock image!
- When you’re rich, a helicopter is not a luxury, it’s something of a necessity. It’s a way of demonstrating your superiority to laws of all kinds. Here is a helicopter I would be delighted to buy online, for the price of $25,900 with free local pick up to those in the Phoenix, Arizona area. I appreciate this seller because he seems like a man I can trust, and those are the men I want to do business with. He says “What you see in the photos is all that goes with the Project. It looks fairly complete to me. And you can see from the Photos how complete the rest of it is. What you see is what you will get. I accept Green stuff when you pick it up or Transfer Paypal is only for a $500 Deposit.” I appreciate a seller who knows his audience. It’s as though he is speaking right to me.
- If I’m going to fly a possibly incomplete helicopter, I definitely want to have my wings. This is only $20 and it came from a cereal box. Although this is not a particularly expensive item, it is still unnecessary, and therefore satisfies me.
- I must have a weird cat painting for $600,000. This will do!
- I will only know the time when it is whispered to me from the most expensive Hello Kitty watch at $461,000!
- I will only have one hat, and it will be a Nazi fetish hat for $99,000.
- My wardrobe will be tasteful if necessary, but not at the expense of expensive. Thankfully, this t-shirt with a green Superman logo is both. The price is driven up to $10,000 because Justin (perhaps Bieber? Or Timberlake? How many Justins can you think of? Williams? Actually that last one is just a guy I know.)
- This mask for $21,000, reportedly from Latin America. I don’t wish for anything more specific in the information department, it sounds like art, and I’m in.
- This DVD features 3 of the Ernest movies for 99 cents, which is an absurd price to pay for any amount of Ernest movie. So of course I must have it.
- This Louis Vuitton Teddy Bear for $30,000 will be an ideal mate during scary movies and also when listening to Kanye.
- Finally, I would like some scary farm equipment delivered to me in case I want to take my self-destructive spending habits to a whole other level. Here is something called a Vertical 400 Shredder for Waste or Unwanted Product, currently going for $195,000. It pairs well with this $110,000 item that Grinds as well as it Shreds.
There we have it, internet friends: a perfect list to start from. As soon as one of us acquires that first million, let’s promise to start buying these things as quickly as possible and then share it on social media to collect all of those sweet, sweet Likes for squandering our wealth.
Grant Pardee is a comedian originally from Ohio living in Los Angeles. He has performed at Bridgetown and SF Sketchfest, the Improv, Upright Citizens Brigade, and many other places, too. He contributes articles to VICE, and in 2013 the webseries he created, wrote and produced “Happy Place” was a finalist for the Comedy Central Short Pilot Competition at the New York Television Festival. Follow him on twitter @grantpa