There are a lot of different looming crises that threaten to destroy this great country we call America: global warming, unemployment, Justin Bieber, nuclear war, asteroids. There’s one looming crisis that you probably don’t know about that’s more dangerous than all of the others combined. We’re heading for a serious bacon price hike. That’s right. The preferred breakfast meat of the proletariat may soon be only affordable to the 1%.
You may think I’m just a conspiracy nut, but I’ve got facts to back me up. In the past ten years, the price of bacon has skyrocketed from $3.16 a pound to $5.56 a pound. That’s a 75% increase in only ten years. To put that in perspective, bacon prices only increased 12% from 1984 to 1994. It wasn’t until the 90’s – when the no carb Atkins diet became super popular – that bacon prices started to climb uncontrollably. From 1994 through 2004, it increased 55%. If you think bacon prices are bad now, it’s going to just keep getting worse.
Who’s to blame for the drastic increase in bacon prices? You are. You with your triple bacon cheeseburger. You with your bacon sundae. You with your bacon cocktails. You can even make a bowl out of bacon because who wants to eat stuff out of some lame inedible bowl? You made bacon in to the rock star of meats. There’s an entire bacon culture that has popped up that thinks it’s acceptable to put bacon on absolutely anything. Yes, bacon is delicious. It’s just salt and fat in strip form. Salt and fat are America’s two favorite food groups. I hope that you’ve been able to thoroughly revel in your greasy decadence while you could because that party is soon coming to an end.
How high would prices have to climb before regular people stop eating it? $10 a pound? $20 dollars a pound? That extra bacon on your sandwich isn’t going to seem as appetizing when it costs $8 for a few strips. I think that one day soon only the Bill Gateses and the Vladimir Putins of the world will be able to afford to enjoy the deliciousness of bacony goodness. It happened with lobster. Lobsters used to be a food that only indentured servants or prisoners ate. Now most people can’t afford lobster. I’ve honestly never had lobster other than on a pizza or mixed with mac and cheese – and that probably wasn’t real lobster. It going to happen with bacon too. The most people of the future will be able to afford is a few bacon crumbs to add a hint of what was to their disgusting baconless food.
We need to end our collective obsession with bacon. There’s no telling how bad things will get. If you can’t stop it then you can at least prepare for the worst. What you need to do is take all of your life savings and start buying some bacon. Obviously, it’s a great investment. There’s a few start-up costs that you’ll need to hash out to make a legitimate long-term bacon investment. You’re going to need to buy a warehouse and fill it with a few hundred top loading freezers. Once you get your bacon all loaded in to the freezers, you just need to have the patience to sit on it for at least ten years to let your investment mature.
The great bacon war of 2020 will have just ended in 2024, and the country will now be split in to three territories. The East coast or “The Old Country” will be nearly baconless. The West coast will just be a nuclear fall out zone. The middle of the country will now be known as Porksylvania. As the largest producer of pork with a 4 billion dollar a year pork GDP, Iowa will hold dominion over all bacon production. It’ll be the perfect market to unload your bacon reserve.
You may think it would be a good idea to just start selling your bacon right away to the highest bidder. That would be a fool’s errand. In the economy of the future, bacon will get you much more than money. It will get you power. You’ll quickly raise an army paid only with bacon. Use that army to march on the capital. They’ll never see it coming. After you overthrow the current Porktatorship, the people will want to make you their new Swineking. It will be tempting to accept their offer, but you must refuse for the good of the nation. Pull a George Washington and become their first Pigsident.
As Pigsident of this new country, your first act must be to outlaw the eating of bacon except as a breakfast meat. All citizens will be given 3 strips per day only to be eaten between the hours of 5:00am and 11:00am. Sure, there will still be a black market for bacon cheeseburgers and bacon wrapped scallops in the seedier parts of your new utopia, but people will think twice before indulging since the penalty for breaking the new bacon code is death by public hanging. The bacon craze will finally come to an end, and bacon will once again be a breakfast meat of the people like The Great Sky Hog intended.
Or we could maybe just cut back on bacon a little bit?