It’s Friday night, you just got off work, time to unwind, right? Unfortunately, the act of unwinding (i.e. having an adult beverage) brings about its own stress. How much money do you gotta drop? What’s the best bargain? Where should you go? It’s all too much, ain’t it? NOT ANYMORE, BABY. I, Josh Androsky, will do the dirty work to discover which bargain basement booze has the most bang for your buck.
Director: Cassandra Lee Hamilton
Music: Cowabunga Babes
Josh Androsky: Hi, It’s me, Josh Androsky from Savings.com. And I’m wearing sunglasses indoors because I don’t want you to see how bloodshot my eyes get. The reason why? I’m going to be drinking a bunch of bargain basement booze. Bargain basement booze.
That’s right. Today I am going to four different national chains to see which one’s bottom-level hooch spring break tastes the best, makes you feel the best, because that’s the point of drinking, right? Bargain basement booze. Let’s get drunk.
The brown bag, what mysteries lie inside? Old English Brand 800 for the number of people you’re going to call and yell at. It is the cheapest thing I could find, $2 at 7/11 for 24 ounces, 7.5% alcohol, 709 milliliters of misery. Let’s pop the top.
I like that they put a crown on there to remind you that you’re the king of bad decisions. Oh, done.
Coming in at $3.99, Grand Legacy is definitely the best bang for your buck. At $3.99, this will get you the most drunk for the least amount of money. But is it worth it? I’m a scientist. I will find out. Oh, I hate Science. Sorry, mom.
You know what’s really weird? Initially, after how bad Old English tasted, this tasted better. Wait, what’s the Zelda one?
So of course this is Trader Joe’s Chelsea wine, Two-Buck Chuck, recently $2.50 [inaudible 00:02:16]. Doesn’t work. You should go back to $2, but it’s a great wine. I’m very familiar with night spent drinking two bottles of Trader Joe’s two-dollar Cab while watching The Wire.
Delicious. It’s the classiest bargain basement booze. You can’t go wrong with classy at bottom-shelf hooch prices. Thank you, Trader Joe’s, for letting me be a frugal garbage person while still feeling like I own a boat.
Last and who’s getting who, quite possibly least, the [inaudible 00:03:13] product, Cordina Light. The classic lime margarita. This one was $1.70. This is the cheapest entry into our contest, and you couldn’t tell by looking at it, could you? But it comes with its own straw. Look at me. I’m at Star Wars. I’m the conductor of the world’s worst orchestra. Can I hear my woo girls? Bam-bam-bam-bam-para…
Josh, are you bummed that you didn’t go to college? This tastes like juice that sad people drink to get more sad. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I’ve been drinking so much Cordina Light. I’ve been drinking so much Cordina Light. Smell my breath. Smell it.
I’m done with this. This is the worst. There’s nothing more I want to do than to never drink again. I feel like fat Christian Bale on American Hustle right now. Like I just want YOLO to play. Let’s just go to Reno. I want to get married boogie board right now. Let’s just like get everybody you know. This is going to be the best summer ever.
Josh Androsky quit writing stuff he hated for TV to become a staple of the LA comedy scene. He started shows on the steps of City Hall, went viral as The Skateboard Rabbi on The Price is Right, launched a successful Kickstarter for a US tour, and is a contributor for VICE.