Knock-off brands always make me laugh. I’m not sure why…
It’s infuriating that so many businesses offer free meals to kids for their birthday. Is turning 7 years old really an accomplishment worthy of free food? No way. Turning 30 and not having any kids of your own is an actual accomplishment that should be celebrated with a free feast. Unfortunately, there aren’t that many birthday freebies for single slobs like me. I navigated the sloppy seas and found the best birthday freebies for slobs. Most of these birthday freebies require you to join some sort of digital fan club so links are included. This is your plan of action to have the ultimate slob birthday for free. Put on your favorite eating shirt and let’s get started.
Your first stop on the slob express should be for coffee. A birthday boy needs his morning jolt to handle the busy day ahead. Dunkin Donuts, Krispy Kreme, and Starbucks will all give you free coffee for your birthday if you sign up for their fan clubs. Lots of local shops will give you free coffee too so you may want to ask about birthday freebies next time you’re in your favorite shop. Personally, I’ve always preferred free stuff from giant corporations over people with a independent business. The perceived social justice of getting something free from a giant corporation makes the coffee taste that much better.
If you’re going to spend your entire birthday eating free food, you need to get a few solid breakfasts in. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That’s why you need to eat as many of them as you can. For your first breakfast, I recommend Denny’s. They’ll cram your belly with a free Grand Slam that includes eggs, pancakes, sausage, and bacon. When you’re going to be eating multiple breakfasts, it’s good to start with a traditional meal. Next, head over to IHOP for free Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity Pancakes. Mmm… pancakes covered in deliciousness. Your final breakfast stop should be Waffle House. Members of the horribly titled “Regulars” club get a free waffle on their birthday. Now that breakfast is over, it’s time to get this day rolling.
After spending the whole morning eating breakfast after breakfast, it’s time for lunch. Sandwiches are a slob’s best friend. They require no silverware or plates to eat thus meaning no dishes to wash. Plus, they’re easy to take with you, for the slob on the go. You can get free sandwiches at Jersey Mike’s, Which Wich, and Firehouse. I’m not suggesting that you go to one of these places to get a free sandwich. You should definitely go to all three. None of them give you their largest sub for free. How are you supposed to feel like birthday royalty when you’re only eating half a sandwich? You’ve got to load up on as many free sandwiches as you can.
As soon as you finish the last sandwich, it’ll be dinnertime. For some reason, Mongolian restaurants love to give out free meals. Many restaurants require you to bring friends to get a free meal. Not these places. Mongolian food is the perfect slob cuisine. It’s just a bunch of random stuff thrown in a bowl and fried on a skillet. Get your Mongolian birthday fix at Genghis Grill, BD’s Mongolian Grill, and HuHot Mongolian Grill.
One food group has been seriously underrepresented in this slobby birthday freebie guide: ice cream. It’s the most important food group. That’s why ice cream is at the top of the food pyramid. Get a free scoop from Baskin Robbins. After you stop by BR, take a trip over to DQ. Dairy Queen will give you a free Blizzard. Your final ice cream stop should be at A&W Root Beer. They’ll give you a free root beer float. There is no treat better on this planet than a freshly made root beer float.
If you actually make it through the whole day without having more than two or three heart attacks then you should consider yourself a Birthday Champion. By nightfall, your shirt will be so stained that it will look like modern art. Frame it and put it on the wall so you can keep it as your trophy. When you have guests over to your apartment they will gaze at it in wonder. “Is this a lost Jackson Pollock?” they’ll ask. “No,” you’ll proudly reply. “That’s my eating shirt from the best birthday I’ve ever had.”
Zach Ames is a half-human half-pizza monster of modern science who lives and writes in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter: @zachlunch