I don’t know if our system can even handle the length of my title this week. Get ready for news on net neutrality, homeless people, and even more reasons to hate LeBron James! The Wall Street Journal: More Billionaires Sign The Gates-Buffett Giving Pledge – As our nation edges closer to becoming a flat-out plutonomy, it’s extremely heartening to see the ultra-rich digging into their bottomless pockets for charity. Whether or not it’s a vague PR stunt designed to mitigate my contempt for the American aristocracy doesn’t really matter, skrilla is skrilla.
Gizmodo: Google Just Killed Net Neutrality – Well, they haven’t just yet, but they’re apparently working on it. Giz updated this post a bajillion times with token denials and confirmations from everyone involved, so we’ll just have to wait and see if Google finalizes this purported agreement with Verizon to completely ruin the internet for hundreds of millions of Americans. Why? Because when you hijack the internet’s egalitarian tubes with a corporate truck, everybody loses.
The New York Times: Android Beats iPhone With New Subscribers – With the recent release of two cutting-edge smartphones (the HTC Incredible and the Motorola Droid X) to the overheating, shatter-prone, death-grip-signal-dropping iPhone 4, it’s no surprise that Android has skyrocketed past Apple in mobile OS popularity. I’d blame it mostly on AT&T decision to cripple America’s “most coveted” phone with their new tiered data plans. I barely ever stream media, but I’ve almost hit 3GB of data consumption since I activated my Droid X three weeks ago. If I were on AT&T, they’d be giddily molesting me with overages. Cherish your unlimited data while you can, VZW customers!
MainStreet: Obama Sets Deadline To End Homelessness – Gotta hand it to my man Barry O.: this is about as ballsy and ambitious as executive branch domestic policy gets. He wants to TOTALLY ELIMINATE the American transient population in under 10 years (find them permanent shelter, not exterminate them). I’ll admit, I had no idea Dubya even lifted a finger to help the homeless, but apparently he made some impressive strides that Obama plans to build on. I just hope they can find somewhere nice for these guys to live!
Consumerist: LeBron’s Miami Move Gets 30 People Fired – I think the next step in America’s collective personal growth will be realizing that Kanye West and LeBron James are the same person. If you doubt the truthiness of my theory, just read this axed ESPN feature on a party LeBron threw for himself in Vegas (so axed because ESPN didn’t want to tarnish his Brand by revealing what an absurdly douche-tastic manchild he is). It’s enough to make you want to hit Miami with a tactical nuclear strike before the NBA season starts. I mean, it’s gonna be underwater in a few decades anyway, right?
Okay, clear out. I’m going to spend the rest of my afternoon looking into where I can purchase a battery of micro-cannons with which I will terrorize, conquer, and enslave my enemies. Also, if you happen to live in Savannah, please, PLEASE go see this guy.