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Kimye. Kamberly. Whatever you refer to them as, the fact is that they exist.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s love story is a tale as old as 2012. Now we’re lucky to be alive to be witness to their wedding, or at least witness to the blogs that will be covering the wedding, an event that is shaping up to be one of the most extravagant celebrations of love and excess and love of excess.
We already know a few details of their special day. Let’s review:
- Each invited guest received a personalized hand-delivered invitation, costing about $1,000 per invitee.
- There have already been numerous snubs from famous people including Oprah, Prince, the Obamas, Jonah Hill, and Jay-Z who declined the invitation to be Kanye’s best man because he didn’t want himself or Beyonce or Blue Ivy to be included in the Keeping Up With the Kardashians coverage of the wedding.
- We know that the guest bags are to include $500 bottles of Bollinger champagne, $200 Creme de la Mer products, handmade souvenir trinkets with Kim and Kanye’s initials etched in Swarovski crystals, bottles of scents from local perfumeries and $250 vouchers for treatments at the hotel’s spa. That’s $125,000 per guest, totaling around $25 million just for the wedding favors.
- This is just a rumor but I’m really hoping that it’s true: Kim, at Kanye’s suggestion, has diversified her business portfolio by recently investing in several Burger King franchises and word has it that the wedding may even be sponsored by BK? I know that sounds too good to be true. It sounds like a “Jr. Whopper” if I’ve ever heard one. But one of the things I love about Kanye and Kim as a couple is that they don’t do anything half-assed. Everything — from their ridiculous talk show appearances, photo pageantry, child naming, and marriage proposals — are done with a level of bombast that are unparalleled.
Although I may be slightly outside of their tax bracket (a temporary mistake I’m sure will be fixed soon with all the blogging I’ve been doing lately), I am in sync with Kim and Kanye’s desire to go big or buy another home.
So as an expert on absurdly excessive spending, I’m willing to offer the couple a few wedding-planning suggestions pro bono just because I like them so much.
SPENDING SUGGESTIONS FOR THE UNION OF KIMYE WESHIAN
These $1,170 sweatpants from Bergdorf Goodman would be a great item for guests to feel relaxed at the wedding reception or perhaps just for lounging back at the hotel. If Kanye is feeling self-promotional — and when isn’t he? — these could be paired with his brand of plain white t-shirts for the ultimate in comfortable clothing. Customizing these pants with the individual guest’s name printed on the backside would be a great way for people to meet new people, too.
We want to make sure baby North West is pacified throughout the events so she doesn’t cause any sort of fuss, and I think this Louis Vuitton teddy bear from Ebay available for $30,000. It looks like the bear from Kanye’s early albums! And he likes Louis Vuitton so that makes sense, too!
The Global Hawk drones start at $218 million each, but imagine the sight of 6 drones (one for each of Kanye’s hit albums, perhaps custom-painted with the cover art for each one) flying overhead after the wedding vows are exchanged. It would boldly announce the couple’s commitment to each other and as a bonus the weaponry included in the Global Hawk could eliminate any haters or snarky bloggers nearby along the way. Perfect!
These Italian Fabbri Over-under 12-gauge shotguns retail for $82,500 each but might be a humorous touch for Bruce Jenner to hold onto since even though Kim has already given birth to North West, this is still a bit of a “shotgun wedding.” On the other hand, I wouldn’t trust Bruce Jenner to hold my ice cream cone lest he decide it has potential to double as a skin cream for his weird face, so maybe giving him a weapon, even a decorative one, isn’t the wisest idea. Still, this would be a pointless purchase and it’s from Italy so I think this would be a welcome addition.
Recently, a golden-haired Tibetan mastiff puppy from China sold for $2 million, making it the most expensive dog purchase in the history of the world. That level of extravagance is exactly what we’re looking for. Buying this dog to serve as the ringbearer would be not only newsworthy but also very cute.
This vintage baseball card of Chicago White Sox pitcher Urban Faber from 1922 would be a good reminder that Kanye hails from Chicago and has $300,000 to drop on an old baseball card. It could be passed around during the meal for guests to “ooh” and “aah” over. Or maybe Bruce Jenner could eat it or something, I don’t know, that guy is a strange monster.
Grant Pardee is a comedian originally from Ohio living in Los Angeles. He has performed at Bridgetown and SF Sketchfest, the Improv, Upright Citizens Brigade, and many other places, too. He contributes articles to VICE, and in 2013 the webseries he created, wrote and produced “Happy Place” was a finalist for the Comedy Central Short Pilot Competition at the New York Television Festival. Follow him on twitter @grantpa