Planet of the Apes: Rise and Shop at Target


Could such an event occur such as “Rise of the Planet of the Apes?” We have dabbled in the notion that A.I. machines could one day take over the world. Or that aliens would invade our world. So now, Hollywood puts this idea in our heads that one day we might live in a world controlled by apes (I feel a political joke coming on, but I’ll leave that up to you).

But what if I’m an ape and not human? How will I manage to upkeep an ape body full of hair? I’ll knuckle walk over to Target to get eight essential supplies.

  1. LiceMd. With all that ape body hair, it’s a breeding ground for lice. You’ve seen chimpanzees scratch their heads–how do you know it’s not lice? LiceMd eliminates lice, lice eggs and helps prevent re-infestation. Also included in kit is a 100% effective lice comb.
  2. Pantene Medium-Thick Hair Solutions – Frizzy To Smooth Shampoo. Okay, I will give into the notion I’m an ape. Even part of the “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” but that doesn’t mean I can’t look good. Pantene shampoo helps smooth out unruly, frizzy hair into a silky smooth style.
  3. Pantene Conditioner Medium-Thick Hair Solutions Frizzy To Smooth. If I’m going shampoo my entire ape-body I might as well finish the job with the right conditioner. Pantene conditioner will soften my coarse ape-body hair.
  4. Umberto Banana Brush. It’s curvy-shaped brush shaped like a banana. Need I say more?
  5. Gold Bond Ultimate Hand Sanitizer Moisturizer. Kills up to 99.99% of germs, non-drying with 7 hydrating moisturizers and 5 essential vitamins. What? If I’m an ape, I knuckle walk. My knuckles scrape along pavements, grass, or on top of cars. I don’t like germs.
  6. St. Ives Intensive Healing Hand Cream Moisturizer. Speaking of moisturizers, after a long day of terrorizing the city, my ape-hands will need a strong hand cream. Moisturizer clinically proven to keep dry, rough hands moisturized all day. If I am one of the apes in a lab from “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” I won’t like the word “clinically” placed on any product–but in this case, I’ll look the other way. Just this once.
  7. First Aid Antiseptic Spray. It’s inevitable that I or one of my ape-friends will cut themselves. To prevent infection it’s always good to have a no-sting first aid antiseptic. Hey, apes don’t like sting on a wound anymore than humans.
  8. Naturally Fresh Deodorant Crystal Body Deodorant Spray Mist. Just because primates control the world does not mean everyone, human or ape alike must endure the harsh smell of body odor. This simple spray mist is fragrant free, hypoallergenic with a fresh spring scent. Apes don’t use roll-ons.

If you were an ape from “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” what products would you get from Target?

Charli “Chuck” Gulley is a screenwriter, filmmaker and freelance writer who lives in Southern California. Quite the tomboy, she enjoys Rugby, Fencing and touch football. She’s an alumnus of the prestigious screenwriter’s workshop, “Writers Bootcamp.” Her passion is Hollywood, anything and everything to do with filmmaking. If you don’t find her on set, you can find her at the arcade playing air hockey and eating pizza.

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  1. Cluelesshsopper

    4 years ago

    The way things are running now in the Government I think being ruled by apes might be an improvement!


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