Revenge Of The Grocery Store: The Weirdest Foods For Your Shopping Cart
If you keep seeing commercials for strange and wonderful fast food items, but just don’t have the energy to get out to that drive-thru window every night, don’t worry. You can find a bunch of creative concoctions right in the aisles of your local grocery store, which all leave you with little to no prep work. I recently avoided eye contact with a checkout person as I made my purchase of an array of these so-called foods in order to test them for you.
Kellogg’s new Jif Peanut Butter Cereal, takes the classic flavor of Jif peanut butter and puts it in cereal form. Apparently, this was created for the market of peanut butter lovers out there who don’t know that any jar of peanut butter can be a ‘bowl of cereal’, if you’ve got a spoon and no willpower. Regardless, as a peanut butter addict myself, I found the PB flavor just a bit too weak. Frankly, I just don’t think I can give my heart to a peanut butter cereal that isn’t endorsed by a cartoon sea captain.
Don’t worry, there’s still a chance to start your day off with a “…what?” by brewing a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts Bakery Series drip coffees. With flavors such as Jelly Donut and Caramel Coffee Cake, these coffees are meant to combine the experiences of drinking coffee and eating a pastry. I went with the Blueberry Muffin option and honestly didn’t find it to be all that terrible, as long as you don’t mind the vague feeling that a ghost is dunking their breakfast in your mug whenever you’re not looking.
No longer content to create every possible incarnation of sausage, Jimmy Dean has expanded their horizons with their Beyond Breakfast options. Offering up a selection of sandwich and bowl based meals, Jimmy Dean has both standard choices and a healthier Delights selection. Some of the combinations are similar, such as the pulled pork sandwich served on a buttermilk biscuit, or the Delights version, which has a pair of sliders served on Pretzel Bread. While neither was a meal I would find myself craving, they did have a fairly flavorful sauce on the pork and would make a decently filling bite for someone looking for a sandwich on the go.
Buffalo sauce as a flavor must freeze well because the frozen foods section was stuffed with variations on it, from classic wings to pizza rolls and pocket sandwiches. By far the most ‘in your face’ product was the Jose Ole Chicken MEXTREMES Buffalo Style Ranch Flavored Coated Corn Taquitos. For all the words on the box, these were by far the saddest things I tried. What ‘Coated Corn Taquitos’ roughly translates into is a disappointingly thin taquito with some seasoning on the outside that in theory makes the bland chicken on the inside taste MEXTREME. The only thing MEXTREME about these was just how pathetic they looked on the plate, as you can see by the picture below. I honestly sighed to myself a bit as I ate them.
The closest thing to healthy that can be found on this list is probably Amy’s Spinach Pizza. Even though they are deviously trying to sneak natural organic ingredients into the frozen food section, Amy’s blend of spinach with tomatoes with feta and mozzarella cheeses was intriguing enough to add to my collection anyway. While I’d never pick it over a pizzeria pizza, this was actually pretty good as far as a frozen pie goes, just needed a little bit more seasoning and some hot sauce at the end to give it some kick.
Now you’re probably thinking, “French fries? What’s so interesting about them?” But seriously, have you taken a good look at the frozen potato section of the grocery store lately? From waffle to crinkle, from seasoned to extra crispy, from curly swirls to smiley faces, if there is a shape or texture to cut a potato in and deep fry it, there’s a bag with that at the grocery store right now. Just read the name of the fries I got: OreIda Simply All Natural Cracked Black Pepper With Sea Salt Country Style French Fries. Simple, right? These were actually pretty decent though. The seasoning could still be tasted after they were cooked, and they managed to stay fairly crispy even in the oven.
These Monterey Jack Jalapeno Stuffed Pretzels from Lean Cuisine combine soft pretzels with jalapeno pepper poppers. Because they’re a Lean Cuisine item, they’re designed with portion control in mind. The two servings boasted about on the package are pouches containing just four pretzel bites each. The portions take what would have otherwise been a fairly unique snack and leave them ultimately unsatisfying.
With flavors such as Pineapple Orange and Sweet Chipotle, Krave fancies themselves as the gourmet, healthy choice amongst bags of dehydrated meat. This Chili Lime option definitely is a welcome variation from the more commonly found teriyaki or peppered varieties of beef jerky, and the meat itself wasn’t dried out and was easy to chew. For those looking for a protein rich snack with some different flavors, you could do a lot worse.
Finally, the last thing in my grocery bag, the Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups. If you took a look at this and thought, ‘Hey that’s probably just a Butterfinger bar but in a different shape,” you would pretty much be correct. The peanut butter in the cups are just slightly more creamy than in the standard bar, and you might be getting just a little bit more of the peanut butter in ratio to the chocolate than you would normally with a standard bar. Regardless, the next logical step is obviously a Butterfinger cereal.
If you’ve found a bizarre item at your local grocery store that has you shaking your head and you want The Scratch to try, leave us a comment below!
Rye Silverman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles. Rye has been seen on the Fusion channel, is a contributor to the Huffington Post and runs a blog about style, pop culture, and gender called Chick Like Me.