Try On Your Perfect Bra At Home With True&Co
There are few things in this world less comfortable than an uncomfortable bra. Childbirth, while I’ve never experienced it, seems as though it would be more unpleasant than the sensation of an insufferably tight brassiere digging into your shoulder flesh like a toddler burrowing into wet sand. Pretty much any other painful event a woman can experience, however, pales in comparison.
Finding a suitable over the shoulder boulder holder is a must for any comely lass who doesn’t want to suffer a life of misery. If you’re tired of being victimized by your hooter holsters, online retailer True&Co claims to have the solution. They’re all about helping you “find the perfect fit.” They promise to do so with “no fitting rooms” and “no measuring tape.” You may ask yourself, “How the hell is that possible?” It being 2014 and all, the answer’s simple: Via a confusing, over-stylized website!
Go to True&Co and “Take the Quiz.” You will be asked how well your long-suffering shoulder straps fit, and what your breast shape is (options include “Well Rounded” and “Bottom Happy”). After entering the brand and size of your best-fitting bra, a series of questions then calculates the particulars of your ideal intimates. The algorithm ultimately spits out a handful of allegedly perfect brassieres, five of which you can try on, in the comfort of your own home, Warby Parker style (Warby Parker being the eyeglasses retailer that sends you frames you can test, sans judgment, within the comfortable confines of your living quarters).
True&Co is very proud of their “at home try-on” program, in spite of the fact that all clothing one could buy from a reputable online retailer could be construed as such. Nevertheless, the fact that you can return whatever doesn’t fit (albeit after filling out detailed forms before retuning it, in order to avoid being charged a $20 convenience fee), is lauded as a selling point. I took the test, received and examined what I was told should work, and lived to tell the tale. Join me on my journey to breast bliss.
When you receive a box of bras from True&Co, you are immediately presented with one of the company’s no-doubt dozens of trite slogans: “Go on, get comfortable.” In a clinical fashion, you are told that the brand is “excited to find out how everything fits.” You open the box, peel away the tissue paper (the tissue paper budget at fancy-pants websites like this, by the way, must be through the roof) and commence to finding your best fit—and, by proxy, presumably living your best life.
The first one I tested was too tight. Cup-wise, it fit, but compressed my ribcage, making me feel as though I were wearing a corset. Granted, a nondescript, off-white corset with the twee moniker “Across the Universe,” but still. The bizarre brand name, which I had never heard previous to this experience, was “She Walks in Beauty (+ Light).”
The next, which also had an outrageously twee brand name (“Day No. 25″) wasn’t too tight around the torso, but the cups were too large. It was black and non-ostentatious, which made it easier to forgive its flaws, all the while possessing myriad flaws.
The third, another “She Walks in Beauty (+ Light)” joint, apparently was the same exact model as the first, but in purple instead of off-white. Dammit, I thought. My ribcage hurts again. And with only two more to go! I didn’t want to send 100% of my cursed box back. That would be tantamount to admitting defeat.
I noticed the fourth’s was, once again, manufactured by “She Walks in Beauty (+ Light)”. Great, I ironically thought. I tried it on. It wasn’t as tight as the previous models, but nevertheless remained pretty damn constricting. I liked the way it looked—red, space ageÂ—so I contemplated keeping it. That wasn’t how the experiment was supposed to work, though! I was supposed to genuinely like these things!
On came the last option. It was, naturally, manufactured by the same stupidly named brand. It also looked vaguely spacey, and interesting in my hands. Not so much, however, on my body. Upon wearing it, I didn’t understand how the infernal garment in question could make me appear flat breasted and yet still have back fat. I’ve never have back fat, dammit! I thought. What is with these demonic bras?
They made my breasts hurt! Bras, at least the bras these folks sell, aren’t supposed to do that! They’re supposed to make them feel comforted! Safe! Supported! I was promised support!
When I filled out the rejection forms afterward, and said that I found my options too tight, I was gaslit by True&Co ‘s”True Tips.” “A new bra band,” they said, “is always snug and can stretch up to 4 inches within 3 months of constant wear due to body heat and sweat. A band is truly too tight if it cuts off circulation or causes pain.” While, again, I have never experienced childbirth, I knew what pain felt like. Their choices, albeit not well-worn, were similar to that in which I have felt in the time I have existed on this mortal coil.
My brassieres also came with a selection of panties, because, well, why not? As someone used to purchasing undergarments out of a trough, the prices affixed to these pieces of cloth seemed fairly exorbitant. They looked niceÂ—fancy, even—but were still made in China like the crap I buy at Target.
True&Co ‘s prices were, indeed, fairly exorbitant. $44 bras, $38 panties. All told, I had, in my possession, $304 worth of underwear before I sent it back. If I were to have died before returning it within five days, my estate would have been that further in debt.
I kept the black bra. I mean, it doesn’t necessarily look nor feel great, but at least it doesn’t actively hurt. And, well, they use an algorithm and everything to figure out what my body needs. The computer knows more than I do. I guess I should keep it.
Did I do this right? Maybe not. But I’m just a person, not an algorithm.
Megan Koester is a writer and comedian living in—wait for it—Los Angeles. You can follow her on Twitter @bornferal.